The Contrary Waiter by Edgar Parker
A tarsier worked as a waiter.
He wore a stiff collar and tie.
He said, “Of all creatures who cater,
None are calm and undaunted as I.”
When asked to serve mutton with mustard,
He’d scribble a note on a pad
And return with half-eaten custard
and say it was all that they had.
When a cup of hot cocoa was ordered,
his eyes would defiantly gleam;
He’d bring back asparagus bordered
with heaps of vanilla ice cream.
If cucumber salad was wanted,
The customer suffered a shock;
The tarsier, calm and undaunted
Brought rice pudding, stuffed in a sock.
He never brought what was requested.
There was always a terrible risk.
And customers-if they protested-
were splattered with hot oyster bisque.
One day an immense alligator
sat down at a table to sup.
He grabbed the contemptible waiter
and ate him contemptibly up.